even my farts smell like vagina
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
