I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
