Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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