Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
