I am spending my child support on dildos
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
