I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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