dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
