I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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