My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
