smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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