I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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