I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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