but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
