So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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