I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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