I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Randomize
