just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
