At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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