He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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