haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
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When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
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Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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