So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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