Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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