why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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