Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
