They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
