Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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