true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
