Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
