Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Randomize
