I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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