new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
