After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
