I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
