She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
vagina is talking i cant
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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