I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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