I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
