She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
