I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
