around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
