I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
