I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
