I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
God I need to hump something, right now.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
