her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Ladies don't puke and tell
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
