When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
