we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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