Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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