You smell like a Billy Joel song
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
