theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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