I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
