Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
