Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Randomize
