i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
