I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
