My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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