If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
