I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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