True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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