I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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