You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
