I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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