I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
