i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
